I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
