I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What drink are we having for lunch?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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