I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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