So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
