my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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