I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
