I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
