The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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