me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
