I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
