did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
