I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
