Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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