There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
