we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my sisters under your porch take her home
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
