My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
