you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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