I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
