It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
