he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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