Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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