I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
