I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have fence marks all over my body
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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