How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
