Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
