i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
