the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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