so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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