I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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