Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
