if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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