u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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