i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
