i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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