I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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