Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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