Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
