just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
