I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
