dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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