I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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