Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
