I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He passed out mid-signature
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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