After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
