mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
