My liver just broke up with me...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
