If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
