I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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