At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
