He asked to "fluff my boner.."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
