Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
